Young and Old

I feel I should apologize up front for today’s post. I am dealing with such a mixed bag of emotions, along with deep exhaustion. I wanted desperately to do today’s post with good news all around. It brings me joy to offer you survival stories, and I know from your comments that it gives you a lift, too, when there is good news to report. And there IS good news. But there are also heartbreaking things here with me.

Last Friday morning when I didn’t post it was because of the seven new very sick kittens we had taken just the night before. On Monday, I told you about the six from the flooded garage. And about Gabriel, found on a road, in a comatose state. And about Elfius, an eighth kitten we took on Saturday. What I didn’t tell you is that my heart dog Scroungy ate his last meal Friday night. He hasn’t eaten since. He is not struggling or suffering at this point. I want to tell you about this, but I just can’t. Not yet. I have had to stay strong these last five days in order to keep the kittens alive. But I’ve wanted to cave in and stop functioning. I’ve wanted to lie down beside Scroungy on a pallet in the floor and just stay there. I have very definite feelings about this. I am ready to let him go. It’s not that. It’s not even the sadness of knowing I will soon be without him. It is that my deepest wish would be for him to just quietly slip away in his sleep. And though I know that could happen, I also know it is highly unlikely. I will soon be faced with that gutwrenching decision.

 
 Scroungy is an old, old man. He is the oldest of our "ancients". He has lived an amazing life and he has brought me joy and happiness over the years that I will carry in my heart forever. It is the end of his canine life span. This is part of it. But the other end of the continuum is where I find myself with tiny little Elfius. This kitten came to us on Saturday with one sealed eye and continuous bloody diarrhea. I talked with the on-call vet several times on Sunday, and when we saw no improvement, I got him in on Monday. He has still not improved. I have no idea how he is still here. We have been force-feeding every 1 ½ hours for three days and nights. He is on every medication the vet could offer me. My daughter has given subQ fluids several times. Before our very eyes, he has become a skeleton. He is weaker every day, and yet he doesn’t move on.  He still holds his head up to look at us, and though he sleeps SO much, he is not yet struggling to breathe.  It seems he is on his way out, and yet he holds on.  He deserves so much more. This is a baby.

 
 
I had hoped to spend this week talking to you about Older Daughter’s graduation. I wanted to share the excitement with you of having my sister and brother-in-law come for that graduation and take their chosen one - Alice - back with them. I wanted to do a big push for adoptions, especially to see if we could take a cathouse kitty or two south with us when we head to Florida and deliver to some wonderful southern forever homes. And I had hoped desperately that someone might choose Daphne and I might be reporting about the adoption of that sweetheart of a kitty. Some interesting things have occurred here concerning cat food that I wanted to share with you, and I still will at some point in the very near future (thank you Virginia of Poupounette Gang and Deb of Taylor Cats). And I had hoped to talk to you this week about BRICKS (smile).

At the suggestion of a friend, I will wait and share all of these things with you a little later on. Right now, the combination of the emotional exhaustion and the physical strain of the current situation has brought me to a place where I question if I can ever possibly be ready for the upcoming graduation and guests and vacation that follows.

Let me leave you with the good news. I was completely surprised by how many of you thought that Gabriel had lived. You kept leaving your comments of hopes and prayers for Elfius AND Gabriel. I never actually said in the previous two posts that he had lived. He came to us in a coma state. When we first peeled his eyelids open, infection and blood flowed from those little eyes. They would seal shut again almost immediately. He didn’t move. Absolutely no movement on his own. My daughter had tried rubbing syrup on his gums. I tried dripping sugar water in his mouth in those first hours. We were unsuccessful. He remained in that state between life and death. Late that night, as we were wiping the blood-filled infection from his eyes again, I tried another drop of sugar water. His throat moved. At first, I didn’t think it was truly that. He is so tiny that I thought I imagined it. I tried again and he swallowed. By the third drop, he tried to turn away. Not wanting to exhaust him further, we let him rest and then I warmed formula for him. I touched his tongue with the eye dropper. He swallowed. Again. And again. And that is how it started. By Friday morning, he was moving a little on his own. And by some miracle - and I truly do mean miracle - this little being, who had been hanging in the balance, started to come back to life. He has now moved in with the six. He is still having some trouble breathing, but he eats and eliminates. And yesterday, he started playing.

 
 
I told my friend last night that it is unfortunate that having SEVEN kittens come back from terrible conditions and begin to thrive doesn’t take away the horrible sting of watching just ONE struggle and fade. Throughout the night, I thought about how I was just too tired and too emotional to blog today. Yesterday evening, everything caught up with me. I sat on the deck, holding my Scroungy dog, and I cried until I couldn’t breathe. Both girls have college finals today, so I took the night shift with Elfius. I cried all night long, too, as I cared for him in his terribly weak condition. I sat here this morning at the computer and planned to write - NO POST TODAY. And then my fingers took over. This work is SO hard. But as my fingers typed this post this morning, I began to feel a small surge of strength because I was reaching out to all of you. You can’t imagine what a support system you truly are for me. This time at the computer has been a refuge for me this morning because of the feeling of connection to all of you. I am so grateful to have you with me. Thank you so much for sending your love, light, and prayers. I feel them. I really do.

 

Comments

[Fuzzy Tales]

Oh, Chrystal, I'm so deeply sorry that it's almost Scroungy's time to pass. No words will give you comfort, so I'm sending Light and love, as much as I can muster.

I'm surprised Gabriel has shown improvement--that's the good news! But I'm not clear then, on whether the other little one has passed.

The tough thing is that not everyone can be saved, and sometimes you have to let the really sick ones go and put your finite resources into those who have a good chance. It would be ideal if all of them could be cared for round-the-clock and given a chance, but it's just not feasible. And then you also have to look at how much an animal is suffering--and what we put that Being through, thinking we're doing them a favour, trying to give them a shot at life when we're only prolonging agony.

Very, very tough call.

(((Hugs)))

[Amy & the House of Cats]

Chrystal I am so so sorry that Scroungy is doing so poorly - I know that it is how life goes but I also know that doesn't make it any easier. And to have him so ill and at the same time be dealing with everything else well it just isn't fair. It is wonderful to hear Gabriel is doing so well - but also sad to hear Elfus is also doing so poorly. I wish I was there to help or hug you or something. We are sending purrs and prayers for everyone, and lots of extra purrs and prayers for Scroungy and Elfus. I know this should be such a happy time for you and I hate that you aren't able to enjoy it but I know that you are giving Scroungy and Elfus so much care and love that they need now, along with everyone else there too. And I am also still hoping that you will find those adopters for Daphne and a few others on your trip down South. Hugs from all of us!

[Random Felines]

Hold on - mom has to take a minute.....

You are one of the bravest and strongest people mom has gotten to know out here on the web. She has decided she wants to be like you when she 'grows up'.

There is never an easy answer about letting an animal go - be it young or old. Sometimes you have to cling to the hope of those that come back from the brink and love on those that may not have the strength or the will to do so. For those, we can only love them and help them on their way.

We are overjoyed for Gabriel.

And we are purring for Elfius and Scroungy and you and your family. ((hugs))

[Mindy Slimmer]

Oh Chrystal! I had truly thought Gabriel had passed when I e-mailed you...what a blessing that he is still with us and will be thriving soon under you and your daughters care!! I'm saddened by Elfius...but you must remember that death is not the enemy...it never has been...it is cruel people that do nothing and let a little one like Elfius suffer that are the enemy. If Elfius should pass, just remember that you all were the kindest touch he felt and that he will have a good, warm memory for his trip over the rainbow bridge and/or waiting at the rainbow bridge for his "foster" to take him over that hurdle. I'm so sad about Scroungy...it is very hard and I agree that dying in his sleep would be nice but you offering him a gift of having pain no more would be a nice final gesture. I have had to sign quite a few euthanasia orders for my suffering dogs and kitties and immense tears flow but I still believe that I did the right thing in my heart...that's what matters. Never feel that you need to keep us from the pain you are feeling because life is a rollercoaster and if we didn't like the ride you provided, we can always get off. And I don't think anyone has left your rollercoaster ride. :)
Take care and count your blessings. Maybe God had you kept busy at this time so you wouldn't have time to think about things...if you know what I mean.
Much love,
Mindy of The Slimmer Puggums

[Angel Sweet Praline]

Chrystal, I really feel your pain. I haven't visited much in the past two weeks since Praline went to the Bridge, but I do understand what you are saying about Scroungy and it being his time. Helping Praline to the bridge was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I was there with her to the end and she went peacefully. I have been an emotional wreck the past two weeks, but I'll be okay.

I so admire what you and your daughters do for these animals. You are definitely an angel on earth! Please know that even though it's hard, there are people out here who care!

Mom Paula

[The Monkeys]

Chrystal, we are heartbroken about your sweet Scroungy and we send all our purrs and positive thoughts to you. We're also sending purrs to Elfius and hope that he is able to pull through. We know miracles can happen!

I have loved cats from afar without ever having met them many times in the past but I feel an even stronger love for Gabriel. I was thinking about him all night and told myself that if he recovered I'd let you know that I wanted him to be a Monkey. Our Sweet Pea lives with my close friend Brad (The Ball Guy) and we know she'd love a little brother. I don't know if Gabriel will go back to the shelter when he recovers or will stay with you, but I just thought I'd put it out there in case it's a possibility. I know it's too early to tell, but if he knows how much we love and want him, maybe it'll give him a little push to recover quickly. We know he's made it this far because of your love for him.

[Kat & the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde]

HUGS!! (and ::kitty kisses:: from the entire Horde but especially Audrey) You are one of the most amazing women I know!! If it wasn't for you we wouldn't have the most loving precious playful darling gorgeous kitty in the whole wide world (prejudiced? moi? naaaaah). Audrey is doing SO well on the harness. I'd love to find a way to hook up with you on your way South so you can see how much she's grown. I haven't posted in days because of my health but seeing this I had to stop in and give you tons and tons of hugs and ::kitty kisses:: and purrs and prayers. You are loved and adored not only by the furfriends you rescue but by thousands whom you have touched across the world.

[Carly]

Chrystal

I don't know how to say all that I'm freling right now. I want to tell you how much of a good person that you are, but words are not enough. I wasn't surprised to hear that little Gabriel was still alive, even though it was almost impossible. Why? Because when an animal is under your care, anything is possible, and miracles can and do happen! When these babies grow, when they start to eat on their own, when they are romping and playing and you've had some sleep, this emotional burden won't seem so heavy. In these times when you need the help, when you're too tired to struggle on alone, let us help you carry the weight. I hope I speak for us all when I say that I don't read the blog just to hear stories of positive outcomes. I read because I am deeply, deeply touched by what you do and how you do it, and whether death comes to ease a little life from suffering in your arms, or life breathes again into a baby that nobody thought would live, I want to hear about it.

Tears are no shame either. It helps to cry buckets before you say goodbye, because in a way, that is part of saying goodbye. Talk to Scroungy, and I don't mean just with the voice. Let your heart do your talking for you. Make your peace with him, remind both of you how much you love him and how many good times he's given you. It will not make the pain easier, but it will make your burden lighter.

If you can get some, try some Rescue Remedy for yourself. I promise you it does help.

Wish my arms were long enough to reach across an ocean to give you a squeeze. Know that I'm thinking of you, and if i can be of any help in any way, I'm just an email away. I have a Canadian number which routes through to my phone line in the UK if you need to talk all this through with someone, and I can call the states for free. So if you need a listening ear, you just gimme a shoug!

[JC]

I wish I lived closer to you and could help. Since I don't, I'll just continue to tell you what a marvelous person you are. I am so sorry your beloved dog is old. I've been where you are. Not easy. Takes everything out of you and more. How one survives is amazing to me. Know that you are doing what no one else is for those kittens. At least they are loved now.

I'm always thinking of you.

[Pam and the Califurrrrrnia5]

My dear, dear friend ... everyone has posted their feelings about you and what you do so beautifully. I, too, count myself as one of your biggest fans. You truely do the impossible EVERY DAY. I pray that you be given the extra strength needed right now. Please give Scroungy a kiss from me and the Five.

[The Poupounette Gang]

Thank you for posting, Chrystal. We wait each day to see what the news will be. We are so very sorry about Scroungy. Even a life long and well-lived doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye. The work you are doing with those kittens is absolutely awesome. Hang in there. We are all there with you in spirit.

Purrs,
Woofs, Neighs and Hugs,
The Poupounette Gang

[LP]

Life can be cruel or certainly give us so many challenges at once they leave us feeling stunned and numb.I am sad that it is Scroungy's time to go when there is already so much on your plate Chrystal.I'm glad you gave him the best life any wee pup could ever hope for but I am sad that soon you will be saying your last goodbye to someone you loved deeply amidst the flurry of so many others who are in need.
I wish I could be there to carry some of your burden.I wish I could give you more hours in your day so that the edge of exhaustion would be less.I wish I could look at still waters with you and let you feel the beauty of a universal love that is with you right now.I'm sending all my love and warm embraces to you and to Scroungy and to the kittens and to Daphne, as are the critters.
Sophie

[Ginny&the Fur Family]

Chrystal it is a miracle that Gabrial is doing some better. I once had a cat with chronic diarrea and I was told to make a sluce of soft vitamin enriched kitty food and sprinkle a small amount of powdered psylllium into that mix and take a dropper and get it down the cats throat - it sounds stupid but in my case it started to work in half a day. It put some fiber into the intestine. I am so sad for you about Scroungy- if you keep him hydrated it helps. I had to face this myself and I am looking at it soon for mandy i am afraid. I agree with you about giving him time to die at home if possible. My whole heart cries for you and for Scroungy. Prayers for sweet Elfius. I always say try anything if what you are trying is not working - I have tried some wierd things to keep a furry one alive. I never stop grieving for the ones gone over. I did lay down on a pallet with Big Mac my golden retriver and also with Andy - my sorrow is that I let a misguided Vet take me into leaving him there for an IV and he died with out me holding him - She said he wasn't dying and he did... from now on I trust my self more. I wlll never leave a very sick dog at the Vets office. Stay there with Scroungy dear heart. Cry in his ear. put ice water on his tounge. We out here in blog land see you as our fearless hero of Furry land. - My tears are flowing for all the sick and furry ones in your care. You do the very best for all of them --- Prayers and warm wishes -Ginny & The Fur Family

[Daisy the Curly Cat]

I'm so sorry you are nearing the end of the time you have with Scroungy; I can tell he is a special boy.

We are keeping you and Scroungy and the sick kittehs in our thoughts and purrs.

[Abby]

{Chrystal}
I am so sorry to hear about Scroungy.
I know that there are no words, only matters of the heart, make any sense right now.
I do send you healing light and God's grace.
YOU will be in our prayers and purrs.
God bless you for all that you do.

xoxoxoxx
Abby & Mom Debra

[Deb & The Taylor CatSSSSS]

Chrystal, please know that I am praying for all of you. You will know in your heart when it is time for sweet Scroungy. I am so sorry that you are in the midst of such a hard decision. I wish that I could be there to lend a hand with all the work.

You know that I am here for you - any time at all. Prayers are being said for all of you and your fur babies.

Love, Deb

[Lee County Clowder]

We're all purrrrring and purrraying for you Chrystal, and your Older and Younger Daughters. You are angels.

[Meowm, Junior and Orion]

Holy smokes, what a time of it you are having. I am constantly impressed by you,and others like you, who do so much for animals. I know how much it hurts me to even see the feral ones outside my door, slightly sick, or healthy, but having no home. I can't imagine how you do what you do, but I am so very thankful for you and people like you.

You have a lot on your plate right now. Any one of those babies being sick right now would be tough, but you have several sick ones, and your heart woofie nearing his end. It really is a lot for one to handle. Please take a minute to breathe when you need to, cry when you need to, nap a bit if you can. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

You have given all animals in your life, whether they are with you for a short time, or with you for their full life, so much. Love, affection, health, food and shelter. And if you can be, I am certain you are with them in their final moments. What more can one ask for, whether human or animal? Well, aside from never being thrown away or mistreated in the first place.

Others here have said it. You have given some of these animals the only love and tenderness they have ever known, and that is incredible. They move on, whether it be to a family or over the bridge, knowing that they were loved.

Never feel like you should apologize to anyone if blogland. And there are some days that you won't want to blog and we all understand that.

I am praying and my boys will be purring for all of you. The sick babies, your sick heart woofie, you and all of your family.

[Cat's Cats]

I'm sorry I don't know what to say! My words feel empty and useless in the face of what you are going through. I wish I lived closer so I could help, I wish I knew of a home for Daphne, I wish Scroungy wasn't leaving you AND of course I wish the kittens were not sick. So much wishing...does it seem silly when we write these things? I don't know what to say Chrystal, I'm here if you need me...

[Webbthistle]

Chrystal, I am writing through tears to say I am absolutely in awe of your strength and kindness and compassion.
So many others' comments are more eloquent than I can be. I can only say I join with you in sorrow as dear Scroungy reaches his time, and in amazement of the recovery of 7 of the kittens, especially Gabriel's.
I am praying that Daphne gets her forever home and I know that Elfius is in loving hands, wherever his journey takes him.
Please listen to your friends here and do what you can to take care of yourself and to find peace. You do so much, and how wonderful it is that your Daughters have learned so much empathy and compassion and love for animals from you.
Blessings on you, Chrystal!

[Artemisia, Fenris, Socks & Scylla]

WE are sending healing purrs for Elfius AND Gabriel. We are thrilled Gabriel is so improved and we are sending Elfius the purrs of strength to get well.

We are very sorry that it is Scroungy's time to go to the Bridge. We are sending purrs of comfort for you and your family and we hopes his going is peaceful.

[Oskar]

We are so sorry for your pain. I hope that his remaining time is painless and I know that he will feel your love every second.

Nubbin wiggles & hugs,
Oskar Pam

[Ginny&the Fur Family]

Chrystal - my computer is acting up and I kept losing the e-mail off the screen and you may have gotten 3 almost alike - I just kept trying to sent on to you -now I think you may have gotten 3 - comcast has been off and on with the TV phone and computers today... still praying for the sick furry ones... hope some one is better... Ginny & The fur Family

[Deb & The Taylor CatSSSSS]

Everyone, please come and visit my blog. I have some important information concerning FIV.

Love, Deb

[Khyra's Mom]

You do amazing work...

And writing this is just one furry small part of it...

Our thoughts are with you...