My Janie is Gone

I posted yesterday that I would be heading to the vet with Jane as soon as they could get me in.  We were given an appointment time of eleven fifteen.  I had been having a really difficult time with the fear that I wouldn’t know when to take Jane to be assisted to the Bridge.  Her breathing was getting worse daily.  But she was still alert, still eating, still walking around, still wagging her tail.  She’d had cancer for two years, and there had been three surgeries to debulk the tumor on her leg.  I had been told at one point that it appeared Jane’s cancer was spreading and that one place it might be was in her lungs.  And just over a week ago, it became apparent that her lungs were, in fact, involved.  I kept worrying that I would keep her around too long.  I didn’t want to wait until she was struggling for every breath.  But I certainly couldn’t take her in for euthanasia if she seemed normal in every way except for her increasingly noisy and more rapid breathing.  Every day I hoped I would know when to go.

I checked on Jane yesterday morning, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw that nearly all of her previous evening’s meal was still in the bowl.  I had been sitting on the floor in her room with her Tuesday night, petting her and talking to her.  So when I left her to eat (and she ALWAYS ate), I just assumed she would finish off that meal.  I knew it wasn’t a good sign that she hadn’t eaten.  But now she walked slowly to the outside door so I thought she might like to spend a little time outside in the grass.  It was cloudy and still somewhat cool so early in the morning.  Unfortunately, Jane could only take three or four steps before she needed to sit down to rest.  Being outside seemed to make her worse, so I carried her back in.  Her breathing didn’t sound any more labored than it had been the previous couple of days.  When I called for the appointment I said that I wanted to see if there was any medication that might ease Jane’s breathing – anything that might make her more comfortable.  Even when I was saying that on the phone, I knew I was pushing it.  Jane was exhausted.  But I couldn’t bring myself to say that we were ready for the end. 

I guess it was ultimately a blessing.  By 9am Jane’s breathing had changed.  I sat beside her and talked to her and listened to those lungs.  I contacted Office Worker T and asked if there was an earlier time for me to come in – even if I had to wait once I got there.  She said for me to come on in.  That half hour drive turned into a nightmare.  Jane’s breathing continued to get progressively worse.  She actually started blacking out as she struggled now to get any air at all.  I kept talking to her, kept petting her with my right hand while driving with my left.   NOW she was suffering.  She couldn’t focus on anything I was saying.  It looked like she was in a panic.  And who wouldn’t be while trying not to suffocate. 

I called the front desk from the parking lot and asked if Jane and I could stay in the vehicle. Office Worker A came out.  She said she would get Dr. C to me asap.   As I sat with Janie, knowing we had reached the end, I saw that some very dark clouds were building just to the north.  I told Janie that a storm was coming.  I told her not to worry.  I told her Tarzan would be waiting for her, and probably Jack, too.  Dr. C came out and gave the injection to put Jane into a deep relaxation.  He told Jane it wouldn’t be long before she wouldn’t have to pull for every breath.  A few raindrops hit my front windshield.  Jane’s breathing did NOT relax with the injection, but Jane did – she finally lay down on the seat that I had reclined for her.

Her passing was peaceful.  I had my head down, my face close to hers, and I told her I loved her.  Then that horrible breathing stopped.  I burst into tears.  Dr. C gave me a hug and told me how sorry he was.  I thanked him and he headed in just before the rain hit. 

Driving home, it rained so hard I could barely see to drive.  It was fitting, matching my emotional state completely.  There was something comforting in not being able to hear myself crying over the sound of the pouring rain.               My Janie Dog.  Sweet, sweet Jane.  My brave girl.  As have all of the others, she took a piece of my heart with her when she left.

 

 

Jane – Farewell.

Comments

[Madeline]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know what you are going through, I have lost so many in the last year.
I am setting here with tears running down my face for you, my prayers and thoughts are with you

[Angel AbbyGrace]

Chrystal I am so so so sorry about Janie. I struggled with the same thoughts you had surrounding Gracie with her breathing problems. So I completely understand the balance you were trying to keep. You have Janie so much love throughout her life with you and she gave it back so beautifully. We know when we take them into our hearts, they are only ours on loan, for too brief of a time. We have to let them run free with no earthly restraints. It takes our heart with them, but when you balance out the love, it makes it easier, in time to deal with the loss. I am so sorry for how much it hurts right now. Sending you massive prayers and hugs.
♥

[Goldie Goodwin]

I am so sorry. It's always hard when the time comes to make "the decision". She had a wonderful life because of you. She was loved and cherished, as you do with all your 4-legged kids. My deepest sympathy for your loss

[Cathy Cat Lady]

oh Chrystal. thank goodness you have such a large heart that you can keep giving up pieces of it. Hugs to you, dear.

[John Bellen]

You were afraid you wouldn't know when you needed to let Janie go, but you knew when you saw her food uneaten. How swiftly the end came then. What follows is the pain of loss. That's the bargain we make when we love: the joy now, the pain later. But Janie would tell you, if she could, that what she went through at the end was worth the twelve years of love and friendship you and your family gave her. And you would tell her the anguish you feel now is worth having known her, too. The hurt is great, yet it's really a small price to pay for having had the company of such a friend. Godspeed, Janie.

[Liz]

So very sorry. I know you are so sad..We always love them so much and for many we have to reach this point. I'm thinking of you..

[Random Felines]

my heart is broken for you.....but please remember that she had a WONDERFUL life with you

[shirley]

my heart is breaking for you. the pain at losing a loved one is unreal. sending prayers of comfort.

[Cassandra]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Sweet Purrfections]

I'm so sorry to hear about Jane. My thoughts are with you.

[Mindy Slimmer]

You have our deepest sympathy.
Much Love,
Mama Mindy and her mama, Mama CJ

[Julie Tracy]

I hurt for you...

[RAHUSKY]

So very sorry for your loss, soft husky woooos,

RA

[Brian Frum]

We are so very sirry to hear about your dear Janie. Love and hugs from all of us.

[ginny & The Fur Family]

I am crying as I read about Jane passing. She is no longer hurting and that you loved her dearly and she loved you. She was your sweet pet for so long and it is so hard to let them go. We need them with us to pet and love. Sometimes we have to make the hardest decision to give them a way out of their pain. I feel sure Tarzan and Jack will be there to welcome her across the bridge. Maybe some where in the path they will see a small black kitty named Spot Dot who crossed over Tuesday. Forever loved and feeling no more pain -Forever loved. Bless you Chrystal. I feel your pain. Ginny & The Fur Family

[Karen Lucas]

Oh Chrystal, we are so sorry, so much heartbreak lately.

[The Poupounette]

JANIE - Brave, beautiful, loved so hard but now breathing free and reunited with her pals. Her spirit will remain with you always, Chrystal.

[Andrea and the Celestial Kitties]

Chrystal, I'm so very sorry. Hugs and love from all of us. You're in our prayers.

[Maria in CT]

Chrystal, my thoughts and prayers are with you tonight. Janie gave you her final gift of letting you know that it was time, and you have her the final gift of letting her pass to the Bridge. Her suffering is over, and oh my, did she hit the jackpot being your dog! It would be my wish for every animal to experience the love and devotion that you and your family gave to Janie. Safe and quick passage to the Bridge, dear Janie!

[Cat's Cats]

Oh Chrystal, I'm so sorry!!!

[Mell]

Crystal, I am so very sorry to read about your beautiful, sweet Janie. They take such a huge chunk of our hearts when they go, it's a miracle there is any left for the next soul that comes to us. Luckily for them, and us, you are that miracle.

Our hearts are with you and your family, and of course, sweet Janie. Swift passage, beautiful girl.

[GD]

I am sitting in my office crying for your loss. I know that loss well, myself. My heart breaks for you and I am sending you soooo many hugs. You are a wonderful mama to your babies. You always do right by them. Thank you for your compassion that you show your furbabies and all of God's furbabies that he brings your way.

[ginny & The Fur Family]

The first night after they are gone is the worse because you keep seeing them there in their spot and with a second look you realize they are not there. I thought about your dear Jane last night and offered up prayers that you will always feel her spirit with you even after death. I do feel spirits of our pets never really leave us but linger in our minds and hearts just out of sight in the corner of our eyes like a shadow. Love never dies... Ginny & The
Fur Family

[meowmeowmans]

I don't even know what to say, my friend, except that we are so sorry. Please know we send you love and prayers of comfort. Thank you for loving Jannie so very much.

[Cats of Wildcat Woods]

Oh Chrystal I am so sorry you lost Jane. She got two more years with you because of your effort. I am sending lots of loveing light to surround you in this loss.