Two days ago, I wrote that I might not blog on Wednesday because of a vet appointment to get health certificates for the very lucky chosen ones - Jasper, Soapy, Max, and Dearest. As it turns out, I didn't blog this morning, but it was for very different reasons. The flight option has run into some issues and I am not sure what our next move is there. I still desperately want to get these kitties into their forever homes, and I hope we are still able to figure out how to do that soon.
I'm writing this late on Wednesday night. I have made so many amazing friends through this blog. I wanted you all to know why I'm going to have to take a break from blogging. You are such a support system for me and so many of you have been SO wonderful to me. I don't want to leave people hanging. I know you all care so much for these homeless creatures we take in. But several things have happened since I posted Tuesday morning. I have cried so much today that I am numb. I know my tears are for the losses and potential losses I'm dealing with this day. But my current feelings are so deep and they cut so sharply that I feel like it must be an accumulation. I believe having lost Scroungy and Elfius on the same day, only to follow a month later with the loss of Bitsy has probably weakened my stamina. We lost Stella today. I hope to eventually tell that story. I rushed her in to the emergency on-call vet very early this morning. The diagnosis was asthma. By 5pm, she was gone. Tuesday night, we noticed Trex was showing more severe symptoms than the other sick kittens. I was afraid he would die overnight. He did not. But we took him in with unusual symptoms mid-day today. The vet said that his system, his organs were beginning to shut down. She said she felt it was the beginning of the end. We came home with last-chance meds. And this evening, Saucer has started to fail. She and Frosty were happy bouncy kittens together. They loved each other. They were the healthiest of the group when we sent them to the shelter. Now Saucer is a skeleton - those giant saucer eyes huge in a hollow face. It looks as if we will lose her, too.
I told my husband tonight through the sobs that I don't know how to keep doing this. It feels like something has changed today. It's always hard, but this feels different. I recently told my mother that I wish I was the kind of person who gave this work my best shot, and then happily dropped in bed every night knowing I did my best. But when my best isn't good enough, instead of knowing I tried, I am devastated. Clearly, that is not a good personality trait to have in this kind of work.
I'm not sure when I will post again. I have to figure out what's going on with me and what to do about it. Please don't worry about the animals in my care. I will not abandon them. I just need to figure out how to gain some strength back. I will also not abandon this blog. You have all done SO very much for me and for the animals here. I will not leave you hanging. I will be back when I can.